I WANT TO DIE.
I need to die. And I’m ready. I realize how selfish this is, but I’m really doing this for all of you. As much as you want me around, you have no idea how bad it’s going to get because I’ve been here before. The endless hours of watching me in pain, knowing there’s no hope for me. Knowing that every breath I take is a struggle. Watching my chest rise and fall, hoping and praying it’s not the last breath I’m going to take. My pain causes you grief and sadness. My pain rips me from within and shoots through my bones with purpose. Every moment hurts. Every single breath hurts. Every single touch hurts. I just want it to end. I want to be at peace. Please don’t hate me for this. Eight years ago, I felt this. I lived this. I remember every single stabbing pain. I’ve suffered like this before. Please don’t make me do it again.
Your pain is emotional. You struggle with trying to see a world without me in it. You cry over the loss of my future. You weep when you realize that I don’t have one. Your tears fall for the time I no longer have. For the time you no longer have with me.
I can’t stand the thoughts swirling through your heads. I can hear them all.
You feel sorry for me. You feel sorry for yourselves.
My father, strong and stoic. You have been amazing and I wish I had your strength. I can see it in your eyes every single time you look at me. Your voice booms in my head. What am I going to do without you? My baby girl. Why is this happening? Lord, please don’t steal my dreams from me. Please don’t take away her future. Please don’t take her away from me. My only girl. Our only child. The girl I’m supposed to die before. The girl I’m supposed to live through. Kiss away her scrapes. Take away her pain. The girl I’m supposed to give away at her wedding to her true love. Please take me. Take me in place of her. Please. I’m begging you. Take me.
My mother, so confident, yet fragile. I want this to be over for you as much as I want it to be over for me. Every single day is a struggle. You’re putting your best face forward, pretending that everything’s going to be fine. Pretending like I’m miraculously going to stand up and shout, “I’ve been healed!” You do so much for me, hoping your optimism will be contagious. Your voice is soft and shaky in my head. This isn’t happening. I won’t let it happen. I read this amazing article about your body’s pH and how cancer can’t live in an alkaline environment. We’re going to beat this! You’re going to beat this. Your father is out, buying ingredients now to make you an amazing cocktail. You’re going to drink it three times a day, and it’s going to heal you. You’re going to live, I promise. You’re going to one day know what it’s like to be a mother. To love your daughter as much as I love you. You have to. I want you to know what it’s like to feel this kind of love. To live for someone else. To wake up every day and wonder what amazing words are going to come out of your child’s mouth. The smiles that she shares. The laughter that fills a room. I want this for you. I want you to know what it’s like to have this much love for another human being. You’ve given that to me, and I so desperately want this for you. Please fight. Please live. I’m begging you. Your future daughter is begging you. We’re all begging you.
My boyfriend. You’re so angry with me. You tell me every day that you love me. That you want me to fight for you and for us. But you’re also angry I lied to you. I never told you what was wrong with me. My parents had to. They told you everything after I was admitted to the hospital this last time. I know you’re mad. Upset that I didn’t trust you enough to tell you that I am dying. Your voice is hoarse, like you’ve been crying for days. How are we even here? Why are we here? You don’t deserve this horrible disease. You should be filled with life. You should be in my arms, dancing with me like nobody else is in the room. Your eyes should be bright and clear. Your lungs should be full of oxygen and not struggling. Your hand should be in mine, forever. But we no longer have a forever. Not unless you fight. You need to fight for you and the future you’re supposed to have. Don’t give up. You can’t give up. I need you. Fucking Christ, I love you. Isn’t our love enough for you to fight with everything you have? Please. I don’t know who I’ll be without you. Please, don’t give up. I love you.
My best friend, my cousin. Your heart is huge, and your entire life is ahead of you. You have so much to live for and so much to fight for. I want you to siphon what strength I have left and use it to help fight your own demons. We don’t talk nearly as much as we used to, and I wish we lived closer to each other. You’ve been through so much lately, and I rarely share my own ups and downs. You will be strong again, and I want to make that happen. You’re the only one that I haven’t been lying to. You know the truth and know how much I need this all to end. Your voice is chipper and animated in my head. Seriously, get over this already. We’ve been here before, when you were eight. You beat it then, and you’re going to beat it now. Remember when I shaved my hair when you lost yours? We called ourselves cousin twins. We looked almost identical, and we became sisters that day. You can do this. You have to. You need to keep showing me what true love is. I don’t know how to love like you do. I’m learning from you. So much. Who says a teenager can’t find love? You have. You’re proof that true love exists. Help me find that in my heart. Help me love like you do. Drink those disgusting shakes that your parents make for you. Show them who’s boss. Fuck cancer. Fuck it. Beat it to death and fight.
Your voice starts to waver in my head, and I know what’s coming next. You know me better than anyone. I’m sorry, erase all of that. I take it back. Don’t fight anymore if you don’t want to. I know what this is doing to you. I know how much it hurts. It’s going to hurt so much when you’re gone, but I know how much you’re hurting now. If I could take your pain away from you and swallow it whole, I would. I would do anything for you. I love you so much, and I give you permission to go. Take your memories and your huge heart with you. Never forget the love that we have for you. Promise me you’ll be there for me when I need you because I know I’ll be calling on you in the future. I’ll get my cell phone charged to call you in Heaven. It’s going to be epic–our own cousin twins divine hotline. Please watch over all of us and smile. I love you.